Secrets of the Blues

Mentre lo leggevo non ci potevo credere... il blues sintetizzato in 20 semplicissimi punti. Geniale! Il tipo che ha scritto questa perla, tal Joe Taino, oltre ad essere un vero genio è pure un signorbluesman...ad oggi non sono riuscito a trovare nessun cd suo su alcun canale di share... lo si puo' sentire all'opera mentre fa blues in messicano nello strepitoso cd Presents New York City Blues Again affiancato da altri fenomeni del calibro (in larghezza) di Popa Chubby (l'ho visto da vivo questo.... 200 chili di lardo con una chitarra strato mangiata dalle tarme e dal fuoco).... insomma ecco i 20 essenziali trucchi per essere un bluesman (saper suonare la chitarra non è contemplato...quindi chiunque puo' essere un bluesman)...altro che metallari...

The Blues is very simple as long as you keep to these 20 easy to follow rules, and if you do, as I did, you will be on your way to being a true bluesman – this is what I used to get started…………….

1. Most Blues begin, “Woke up this morning………………..”

2. “I got a good woman,” is a bad way to begin the Blues, ‘less you stick something nasty in the next line: “I got a good woman - with the meanest face in town.”

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of:
“Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town.
Got teeth like a moose – and she weighs 500 pound.”

4. The Blues are not about choice. You’re stuck in a ditch: You’re stuck in a ditch, “ain’t no way out.”

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken down trucks. Blues does not travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUV’s. Most Blues transportation is done in a Greyhound bus or on a south-bound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walkin’ plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.

6. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, “adulthood” means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii (or possibly, any place in Canada). Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, NYC, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that doesn’t get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness isn’t the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg because you had a skiing accident is not the blues. Breaking your leg ‘because an alligator is chomping on it" is.

9. You can’t have the Blues in an office or a shopping mall - the lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by a dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places:
a. Lord and Taylor
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you’re older than dirt
b. you’re blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can’t be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and your woman gives you gasoline, it’s the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. wine (usually out of a box and not French)
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. cranberry juice
b. kosher wine
c. Snapple
d. sparkling water

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely in a broken down cot. You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, and Rainbow can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. The Make your own Blues name starter kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.) (Now wait a minute! Kiwi is a blues fruit???)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.

20. I don’t care how tragic your life; if you own a Plasma TV, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sit on it.

Blues isn't only about suffering and hardship, it's also about enjoying what you do. I hope you enjoyed this bit of fun, and look forward to see you shortly to keep this moving on
by Joe Taino - Homepage